Written By Tammie K. Ross, MSW, RSW
Most couples are not avoiding difficult conversations because they do not care about their relationship. They are avoiding them because these conversations often feel loaded and lead to fights.
Sex can trigger fears of rejection. Money can stir up issues of control, security, and trust. Parenting can expose differences in values. Chores can become symbolic of fairness, respect, and whether each partner feels supported. What then happens? Couples wait and they hope the issue will resolve itself, make passive-aggressive comments or avoid bringing it up altogether when things are going well because they do not want to “ruin the evening”. Eventually, the pressure builds and what could have been a conversation becomes an explosion of emotion.
The goal is not to eliminate these difficult topics. It is to learn how to approach them in a way that protects the relationship. Below, I’ll touch on each one of these topics but they will be explored more thoroughly in further blogs.
1. Sex: “Why Don’t We Talk About What We Actually Want?”
Sex is one of the most vulnerable conversations couples can have.
Partners may worry:
- “What if they reject me?”
- “What if they think I’m strange?”
- “What if I hurt their feelings?”
- “What if they want something I don’t?”
Esther Perel often emphasizes that erotic connection requires curiosity, imagination, and space to be honest about desire. Long-term couples can become very efficient at managing life together while gradually losing the ability to talk openly about sexuality.
Instead of beginning with, “We never have sex anymore.” (which Drs. John and Julie Gottman would call a harsh start-up), try a softer start-up such as, “I’m missing our connection when we aren’t intimate and wonder if we could discuss what intimacy feels like for each of us right now.” That creates curiosity rather than blame.
2. Money: “Are We Actually Talking About Dollars or Safety?”
Arguments about money are rarely just about numbers. One partner may experience saving as safety. The other may experience spending as freedom, enjoyment, or generosity. A disagreement over a purchase can quickly become, “You’re irresponsible.” vs. “You’re controlling.”
From a Gottman perspective, many recurring conflicts involve deeper dreams, values, and meanings. Before trying to solve the budget, ask what money represents to each person.
Was money scarce growing up?
Was it used as a form of control?
Does having savings create security?
Does spending on experiences represent living fully?
Understanding the story underneath the disagreement often changes the tone of the conversation.
3. Kids: “Whose Way of Parenting Is Right?”
Parenting conversations can become especially intense because they touch our deepest beliefs about what children need. One partner may prioritize structure, discipline and independence while the other prioritizes emotional expression, flexibility and connection. Often, both are influenced by their own childhoods.
Sue Johnson’s attachment-based work reminds us that underneath many couple conflicts is a question such as, “Are you with me?” During parenting disagreements, one partner may not simply be saying, “I disagree with your consequence.” They may really be saying, “I feel alone in this.” or “I need to know we are a team.”
The goal is not necessarily identical parenting. It is developing enough emotional security and mutual respect that differences can be discussed without turning each other into the enemy.
4. Chores: “Why Does This Feel Like Such a Big Deal?”
Because it often is a big deal. Laundry, dishes, groceries, appointments, household maintenance, and the mental load can become shorthand for much larger questions, “Do you notice how much I do?” “Can I rely on you?” or “Do you think my time matters as much as yours?”
Gottman’s research repeatedly highlights the importance of turning toward one another, accepting influence, and communicating appreciation. When household labour becomes chronically unequal, or simply feels unequal, resentment can accumulate.
And resentment rarely stays in the kitchen. It often affects:
- affection
- emotional intimacy
- sexual desire
- friendship
- willingness to be generous toward one another
A chores conversation therefore needs to be about more than creating a list. It also needs to address fairness, appreciation, and partnership.
Why We Avoid These Conversations
Avoidance makes sense. For some couples, previous attempts have ended with criticism, defensiveness, yelling or tears. Eventually, the nervous system learns that, “Talking about this is dangerous.”
One partner pursues the conversation more urgently. The other withdraws to reduce the intensity. The pursuer feels abandoned and pushes harder. The withdrawer feels overwhelmed and retreats further.
This is where Gottman and Johnson complement each other beautifully. Gottman helps us identify what couples are doing during conflict, while attachment theory helps us understand why the conflict feels so threatening.
The more couples understand their cycle, the less they have to blame each other.
Five Ways to Have the Conversation Differently
1. Start Softly
Gottman emphasizes the importance of a gentle start-up.
Instead of, “You never help around here.” Try, “I’ve been feeling overwhelmed with the house lately. Could we look at how we’re dividing things?” How the conversation begins often predicts how it ends.
2. Talk About the Dream Underneath the Issue
Ask, “What does this issue represent to you?” Sex may represent being desired. Money may represent safety. Parenting may represent being a team. Chores may represent respect. Find the deeper conversation.
3. Lead With Vulnerability, Not Accusation
Sue Johnson encourages partners to move beneath anger toward the more vulnerable emotions underneath it. Instead of, “You don’t care.” Try, “When this keeps happening, I start feeling like I’m carrying this alone.” Vulnerability creates the possibility of connection.
4. Become Curious About Your Partner’s World
Perel frequently encourages curiosity in long-term relationships. Ask, “Help me understand how you experience this.” Then listen without immediately correcting their version. Understanding is not the same as agreeing.
5. Choose One Small Change
Do not solve your entire sex life, financial future, parenting philosophy, or household division in one evening. Ask, “What is one thing we could do differently this week?” Small successful conversations build confidence for harder ones.
Lastly, if you are really struggling to have these conversations, it can be helpful to seek out the assistance of a couples counsellor.
The Goal Is Not Perfect Agreement
Healthy couples disagree. They have different histories, temperaments, needs, desires, and priorities.
The goal is to create enough emotional safety that difficult subjects can enter the relationship without threatening the relationship itself. When couples replace avoidance with curiosity, criticism with vulnerability, and winning with understanding, even difficult conversations can become opportunities for greater intimacy.
Sometimes the most important conversations are exactly the ones we have been avoiding in order to grow as an individual and as a couple.
