“Your mother made another comment about how we raise our children and you just sat there!”
“Well, what did you expect me to do? Start a fight with my mother?”
“I’m not asking you to fight with her. I’m asking you to have my back!”
Sound familiar?
As a couples therapist, I frequently see couples struggling with problems involving extended family members. Sometimes it’s a mother-in-law who interferes, siblings who create tension, or aging parents who require increasing amounts of care. Other times, it’s an ex-spouse who makes last-minute changes to parenting schedules, has different expectations around discipline, or puts the children in the middle of disagreements.
These situations can create tremendous stress and what I often notice is that the original family problem eventually becomes a problem between the couple themselves. Instead of working together to manage the situation, partners begin fighting with each other. That’s where I encourage couples to ask an important question: Are we facing this together or have we started seeing each other as the problem?
It’s Not Always About the In-Laws
Imagine that your partner’s mother repeatedly criticizes you and your partner never says anything. You may begin to think, “Why won’t my partner stand up for me? Am I not important enough?” Meanwhile, your partner may be thinking, “If I confront my mother, she’ll become upset, and I’ll have to deal with the fallout for weeks.” One person feels unsupported and the other feels trapped. Neither person necessarily understands what the other is experiencing.
What many couples don’t realize is that they’re not only dealing with the current family conflict. They’re also dealing with the childhood experiences and family patterns that each person brings into the relationship.
Sometimes Our Childhood Experiences Get in the Way
In my clinical work, I often find that the partner who struggles to establish boundaries has learned to avoid conflict. Perhaps they grew up in a home where disagreeing with a parent resulted in anger, rejection, or emotional withdrawal. They learned early on that keeping the peace was safer than speaking up. Others may have been parentified as children, meaning they took on emotional or caregiving responsibilities that were beyond what was appropriate for their age. Then, as adults, caring for family members may feel like their responsibility, even when those demands begin affecting their marriage.
This doesn’t mean that everyone who struggles with boundaries has experienced childhood trauma. For some people though, these early experiences help explain why changing long-established family patterns can be so difficult. Understanding why your partner struggles doesn’t mean you have to accept that nothing will change. It means you can begin approaching the problem with empathy rather than blame.
When Empathy Replaces Blame
One of the Gottman Method interventions I use with couples is called Dreams Within Conflict.
This exercise helps partners explore the deeper meaning behind their positions including their experiences, fears, values, and emotional needs. For example, a husband may discover that his wife’s frustration about his mother isn’t about controlling his relationship with his family. She simply wants to feel that they’re a team. His wife may discover that confronting his mother brings up painful childhood memories and a genuine fear of conflict.
Something important happens when couples begin understanding each other’s experiences. They stop seeing their partner as the enemy and instead, they begin recognizing that the person they love may be struggling with something much deeper than the immediate disagreement. They can begin to feel empathy for each other’s pain and once that happens, they’re in a much better position to work together.
Understanding Each Other Is Only the Beginning
Of course, empathy alone doesn’t solve the problem. Couples also need to decide what they’re going to do differently.
After helping couples understand each other’s perspectives, I often use another Gottman intervention called The Art of Compromise. In this exercise, each partner identifies their core needs, which are the things that are essential to them, and the areas where they’re willing to be flexible. For example, one partner might say, “I’m comfortable with you visiting your mother once a week. What’s important to me is that we decide together when those visits work best for our family.”
Notice that this isn’t about preventing someone from seeing their mother. It’s about protecting the couple’s relationship while respecting important family connections.
Healthy boundaries don’t have to mean choosing one person over another. They can mean finding solutions that respect both partners’ needs.
But What Happens When Nothing Changes?
Sometimes couples have these conversations, reach agreements, and genuinely intend to do things differently. Then another family gathering happens, and the same patterns return. One partner avoids the difficult conversation. The other feels disappointed and unsupported all over again.
When this happens, I become curious in the therapy session about what’s preventing change. Is the person afraid of confrontation? Do they feel guilty? Are there unresolved childhood experiences making it difficult to follow through? Sometimes individual therapy or trauma-focused treatment can help someone work through these barriers.
At the same time, both partners need to continue listening to each other. Family situations are rarely simple, and there may be circumstances or feelings that haven’t yet been understood. Your partner can be responsible for changing their behaviour while still deserving compassion for why that change is difficult. The goal is to keep approaching the issue as a team rather than slipping back into a me against you struggle.
Try This Together: From Family Conflict to Teamwork
If family relationships are creating tension in your partnership, here’s an exercise you can try at home.
Step 1: Identify your needs.
Individually, write down three things you need regarding your relationships with in-laws, siblings, aging parents, or former spouses. For example: “I need us to make decisions about family visits together.”
Step 2: Look for common ground.
Share your lists and identify where you agree. You may discover that you have more in common than you thought. Perhaps you both value family relationships, want to protect your time together, and hope to avoid unnecessary conflict.
Step 3: Explore what’s getting in the way.
Talk about what makes meeting these needs difficult. Is it guilt? Fear of confrontation? Family expectations? Different parenting values? Listen to understand rather than immediately trying to solve the problem.
Step 4: Identify where you can compromise.
What is essential to each of you? Where can you be flexible? Discuss what boundaries would help protect your relationship while respecting your other family responsibilities.
Step 5: Make a plan together.
Decide what needs to happen next. Who needs to have a conversation with a family member? What will they say? When will it happen? Would additional support or therapy help? Most importantly, agree to follow through and check in with each other about how things are going.
Remember Why You Chose Each Other
When family relationships become difficult, I encourage couples to remember something important. Your partner is the person you’ve chosen to share your life with. They’re not someone who’s deliberately trying to create stress or disharmony in your family. They’re your chosen life partner, someone who may be struggling with their own fears, family history, and responsibilities, just as you may be struggling with yours.
When you remain emotionally connected, listen to each other’s perspectives, and support each other through difficult situations, you create a stronger sense of partnership. You don’t have to agree on everything. You don’t have to abandon your extended family and you certainly don’t have to handle every situation perfectly. But you do need to remember that you’re on the same team.
The goal isn’t to win against your partner; it’s to face life’s challenges together.
